It’s hard to say when my life started to become difficult considering all of the health problems I’ve had in the last decade. My most recent onset of troubles however might be traced back to November 11, 2015. The day we suffered from the ending of our first pregnancy.
Grant and I had been trying to conceive for 9 months at that point. I had tested positive on several different tests about 5 days prior. I was THRILLED. I got excited and thought up cute ways I could tell grant. At the time another girl I knew was pregnant and I had to go baby shower shopping for her so we headed to Babies R Us. We were walking through the clothing section and I picked one out and asked Grant if he liked it. When he replied with a yes I asked him if he wanted to buy it and at first he was confused but then I added, “for our baby.”and it hit him.
We were going to have a baby!
Life was exciting! I felt that pregnancy glow and the warmth of life within me.
The following Friday that was all ripped away from us.
The morning of the 11th we were getting ready to attend a friend’s sealing in one of the LDS temples here in Utah. We loved that we would be around our friends and would have this little shared secret between the two of us. We arrived at the temple and the Spirit was so strong. I remember holding hands and feeling so much love between Grant and I.
After the sealing, we made plans with our friends and began to head out of the temple. I felt the urge to pee so I told grant to wait while I used the restroom. As I sat down all I could see was red. I was bleeding. And not just a little.
I was crushed to my very core.
It was all I could do to keep it together as I told grant and we walked out of the temple.
Then I lost it.
I went around the corner and just sobbed, thinking how could this happen? How could God let this happen in the temple of all places? I was so hurt. I felt such grief.
When I got it together enough, I called my doctors office. A friend of ours came up to see what was the matter and just held me. I will never forget that kindness.
Grant and I headed to the hospital at that point and we held on to a sliver of hope that maybe everything would be okay, but we knew. That life inside of me was gone. I felt empty.
It took me a couple of weeks to get to a sense of normal. Grant and I decided to focus on our relationship and stop trying for a little while. We went on our anniversary trip to New York and when we got back I felt more at peace.
I realized that I was grateful it had happened in the house of the Lord. I felt His love for me and I knew I was not alone. I knew that everything would be okay and that our time would come. And it did. The following week it came in the form of a second little blue line.
I was TERRIFIED. Would the same thing happen again? Would we lose this child? How did this happen? Every day I waited for the worst.
We were blessed with our little Magnolia 9 months later.
I now know that early miscarriage happens in about 50% of pregnancies. I now know that getting pregnant and having a successful pregnancy is not all that easy. I now know that so many women go through what I went through. But I didn’t know that then.
To those who are currently pregnant, congratulations! 🙂 To the women who just found out they’re pregnant, do not be afraid. And to the women of all ages who have suffered any form of miscarriage, you are not alone. We are a sisterhood, and we will love each other.
I love you. Your Father in Heaven loves you. Don’t you ever forget that.
All my love,
Claire